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– the complete bluffer’s guide, which might just turn you into the real thing. Now, that is what I call weird –

1
Make a good sound by playing a lot over the sound hole.

2
Play in time – always. Don’t stop to fish for right notes, settle for a wrong one and leave it at that.

3
Don’t pull a face when you make a mistake. If you are playing with others, glance over slowly at someone else. Listeners will think they made the mistake, not you.

4
When you’re not sure what the music is about, play loudly.

5
Use a tuner that hides behind the peg box, not one of those hanging over the top like a watchful policeman.

6
Tune quietly and take your time if you have to. Loud tuning is gross.

7
Practice a good opening. During the middle, with a bit of luck, the listeners will drift off into some world of their imagination inspired by your opening, and not notice the errors.

8
Practice a strong ending. This will convince any doubters that you must be quite good to be receiving so much applause, even if they don’t understand why.

9
If you speak, do it well and with confidence. It may be worth getting some coaching. You could put the audience in such a good mood that they will forgive those cascades of missed notes.

10
Walk slowly, bow discreetly – none of that bending over with your feet apart showing the back of your head. Blokes, it looks as if you are checking whether you’ve done up your shoelaces or other part of your clothing. Girls, practice in advance, to make sure your bits and bobs don´t fall out of your flimsy attire.

Well, that’s it folks, now it’s up to you. By following this bluffer’s guide, you might become a genuinely good player in the process. Now, that is what I call weird.

25th October, 2014, Ferrol, Spain